I'm still drawn to you though I don't want to be. My mind is telling me to go over and wrap my arms around you while my heart pleads for me not to. "That's not right!" it screams, "things have changed, remember?!"

And my aching heart is right. Things are different, and my mind is just looking to fill the void of you that I created. It's not that I want you back, I just want to feel whole again. Then I have to remind myself that these are feelings I felt when we were together, which is why I left you in the first place.

I'm sorry if I keep hurting you with my words. I know they have a tendency to sting. I feel them ripping you apart while they fly out of my mouth sometimes. I should have warned you that's what I would do. It's because I don't know what else to do. I do want to be friends, but I can't be too nice to you because it might lead you on or confuse my heart into agreeing with my brain.

But it's not all just my fault. You haven't changed at all. You're still condescending sometimes, and I can hear it when you want your words to sting. I'm not saying you're like this all the time, you've just been known to act this way. You still won't admit when you're wrong or partially responsible for being wrong, but maybe I should cut you more slack, Rome wasn't built in a day.

No, fuck that! Why am I still pampering you? See, told you I couldn't be too nice, it will go to your head. The point is, I need to be pampered sometimes, too. You are still really sweet to me when you're not being so oblivious, but it's not the same. There's still something missing. We never really had much passion, and we're both too headstrong for each other.

The truth is, we were never important enough for each others' compromise.

Now that I got that out, I still feel like crying. Fuck you. No, I take that back, fuck us. We don't deserve each other.



And just an extra something:

You infuriate me.
You depress me.
You make me miserable.

Living without you is just the same as
Living with you except for the fact that
We don't talk every day anymore.

But when we do talk,
You still infuriate
And depress me,
In that order,
Every time.

Just get out of my life long enough
For this void to fill itself.

But no!
That's not what you wanted so that's
Not what we're doing!

God forbid we should do things otherwise!

So my brother and sister in law proposed to me last night a solution to our collective dilema of what to do with my mother.

For those of you who don't know about her, let me back up for a second. She's bipolar, a recovering alcoholic/adict, and has MS. She hasn't had a job since I was 8 or 9 and probly has never turned down a man in her life. She's highly codependent on men and has recently been kicked out by her boyfriend. She's lived with my grandparents before while still with him, that didn't work out, so that's out of the question to do again. She's staying with my aunt right now, but she doesn't want to have her stay with her, and also agrees that if we put it all on Adam and Jackie, their marriage will be doomed.

Going on. My brother and his new wife are moving in to some low income housing in Taylor in about six months, and they pitched the idea that I move in there too, with my mom, so we can collectively take care of her. Of course my initial reaction was no! I'm 19, I'm living my life and I just got used to the life I have. I love my job, and I can say love and not like because of the people I work with, I finally got back in school, and I'm starting to find a niche with where I'm at.

But then I let it settle for a minute or two. I already have a niche out here. Two of my best friends live in New Boston, another in Garden City, and I know TONS of people in the general downriver area. In a sense, me moving to Taylor would be like coming home. As for the responsibilities, I can do it. I'm probly in the best position of my life to do it. I won't take a single piece of her shit mainly because my best ammo is your youngest child, your 19 year old daughter is taking care of you and making the best of this situation, so why can't you?

And besides, I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't take this chance to mend my relationship with my mother. I've been saying for the past four years or so that all I want is to have my mom back. I'd be a selfish coward and a liar if I said no.

So cross your fingers and pray for me, I'm gonna need a lot of support soon.

If only for a moment,
I'd reach out to touch your hand.
If only for a moment,
My life would be so grand.

If only for a moment,
I would lean in for a kiss.
If only for a moment,
My life would be such bliss.

If only for a moment,
I'll look into your eyes,
And in that crazy moment,
I come back to realize

These moments aren't mine to have.

I totally can't wait to go back to school. If that makes me a loser, so be it. The way I see it, the sooner I get this done and over with, the sooner I can shack up with my sweetie and get on with my life.

In other news, saw WallE the other day. Cutest damn movie ever made.

Why do you hide your face?
You're such a beautiful girl!
Composed with elegant grace,
Why hide yourself from the world?

Pull your hair back from your eyes.
Place a smile upon your lips.
There's no need to be so shy,
But please don't be your own eclipse.

No need to dress in skimpy clothes.
We know that's not your taste.
You don't even have to strike a pose,
Just show us that pretty face!



Untitled as of right now. Any suggestions for one?

I know I don't update much, mostly because I never know what to say, but I'm trying to change that.

I think I'm finally getting the ball rolling on my life. I'm almost ready for my road test and am hoping to be driving with my own car within the next two months. Go me!

The weather was really nice today. I decided not to waste it and walked my happy ass a mile and a half to 7-11 to get a Slurpee and the stalest Rice Krispie Treat of my life. I made a stop at a dollar store next door too, got myself a cool little flashy shamrock, cos I'm cool like that, then walked my happy ass the mile and a half back home. Thank the universe for portable music players.

And in other news, my relationship has lasted for over a year, and I couldn't be happier. For the first time, I'm with someone I know I can completely trust. It's a nice feeling. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't go to bed at night knowing that he loves me, and I love him.

I found this thing, it's cool. Kudos to Jacob.

Feeling like crap today. Physically felt like crap yesterday, but that was my own fault. Felt like crap the day before that. Either it's seasonal depression or I need to start worrying about the b word again.

Disclaimer: Although my religious/spiritual views are not 100% Christian, I accept the fact that I was raised in a Christian society as well as the rest of the people born and raised in this country. I write my thoughts with this Christian influence so I don't sound like a broken record saying "a higher power" in replacement of God and so my writing is less frilly and for the understanding of all who may read it.


God listens to his MP3 player on random. I don't say iPod because God believes in free will which does not include monopolies. God picks all his favorite songs, each one speaking to his soul in a different way. These files get stored together and put on a random setting inside a world also hand picked by God. All these songs God loves are played out as they choose to be. Maybe not the exact way God would have chosen, but he gave them free will to do as they please.

We are these songs. Each hand picked with a special place in the universe, but right now, we are stuck in our world. When it is our time to be played, we will know it, and our song will be heard by all with open ears, open hearts, and open minds.

My brother giving my Harvest Moon for my birthday a few days early, getting all excited to play it, running upstairs, popping it in the Gamecube, not enough memory space, going back, making enough memory space, starting the game again, and the game isn't responding to the controller. Well, I can confirm stuff, but I can't MOVE!!

Long story short, I got a new game I've wanted for a long time and can't play it. And it's not like there's anything wrong with the controller because it works with Animal Crossing and such, but it just won't work for Harvest Moon. My soul is saddened.

And in other news, three days until I am 18! Hurray for porn, strip clubs, lottery tickets and tobacco!!

So if you haven't already gotten an event invite from me on myspace, here's the info because I'm a lazy bitch that doesn't like repeating herself.

The basic rundown, I'm gonna be at Ren Fest on my birthday (sept 23) and I'm just gathering everyone I know to come and have fun with me, so if you want to go, come have fun with us, if not, you suck!

Why don't guys know what they want? And why do I get so upset from time to time when he does stupid things and doesn't understand why I'm so sad? Maybe this is proof that we don't work together and I really am stupid for dragging it out. Mabye this is just more proof that things aren't what they seem and I should just give up.

Manifest destiny is the music we have to face while fate can still change. Find a penny face up, keep it for luck. When faced with a question, flip it once to decide your fate, but it won't change your destiny. You can try playing hide and seek with it, but it'll always find you, even if you're playing in the dark. If you're lucky, you'll find a clover with four leaves, hoping it will make fate your friend. What you put in is what you take out, but karma has a way of unbalancing the scales. If justice is what you seek, keep karma somewhere safe, and make sure you don't disrupt it. LIfe is what you make it, so create, but don't take more than what you deserve out of the cookie jar.

I've never been so ok with feeling so upset before. It's weird, like I can feel myself evolving and crumbling apart at the same time, yet I know it's a good thing. Who am I to keep him from doing something he wants to do that can make him a better person? I realized how much I care about him a while ago, but now I'm remembering why I was scared to. I think there won't ever be a time that I don't love him at least a little bit.

The only thing that scares me is I realized when I start college, my support system will all be so far away from me. I'm not sure I can take care of myself when all the people I care the most about are only a phone call away, and only a phone call away.

So I joined the myspace group women who love women a while ago, and I've been meeting some really cool girls. Today I met this one chick, and I'm suddenly so infatuated with her and I have no idea why. Probly cos she's from Argentina so the chances of me ever meeting her are so miniscule. But she seems so cool and I think she digs me, which is sweet ^.^ Seriously though, check her out and then maybe you'll see why I'm stoked a chick like that thinks I'm cute, too.

So I have decided that I am angry at the universe, for it makes me think and ponder with no answers awaiting me any time soon, and perhaps never. I know I really only use my journal to write all the negative things I think or that are going on, other than to totally amazing things I need to broadcast to the world, but fear not, I am not turning into an emo kid anymore than I already am. I'm merely stating that Poe once said, "mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health," and although I am rather fond of this quote, I think it applies to thinking in general, or at least thinking in my brain when it's constantly on overdrive-analysis-mode, give me more things to think about I can't get enough and NO I will NOT turn off!!!!

I will officially be a high school graduate, and my high school career will be dead. Bring on the all night party, which is 007 themed (thank god something this year was, the t-shirts are pretty sweet, too) and there's a License to Thrill to be fullfilled.